I knew when I was 5 and I thought all the girls in my kindergarten class were cute and the boys were icky. I didn't think they were cute like, "look at that cute little girl," I wondered what it would be like to kiss them on the lips and laugh. The boys were always stealing kisses from the girls in class, so why couldn't I steal a kiss from one of the girls too?
But I knew for sure when I got to junior high school and all the girls were BLOOMING. It was fun to go to school everyday and see how cute all the girls were getting - and their boobs and booties were just growing. At the time, I didn't think it meant I was gay, I just thought it meant I liked looking at girls and comparing them - not to myself, but to each other. I'd rate them in my head and I had my favorites to check on every now and then. So I had my boyfriends and we kissed and made out but it never "wet my panties" or made me want to get busy. It was just fun and something to do. It's what everyone else was doing.
Fast forward to my twenties. I'm living in LA and this Hot Tamale starts pursuing me. I didn't know what to do at all. She was a good friend and I spoiled her rotten with dinners, gifts, complements and outings. To me, it was just being a "good friend" to someone who made my heart race. I wanted to ignore it. I had a boyfriend - of many years - and I was convinced he and I would get married and live happily ever after. At the same time, I had a good friend who was coming out and I was her wing-woman at all the lezzy clubs and bars and we went O U T all the time. The more I hung out with my lezzy friend in the lezzy world, the more my Hot Tamale appealed to me. I wanted to take things to the next level with Hot Tamale. I won't get into what all went down, but suffice it to say, when I left LA at the behest of my boyfriend, I left with a heavy heart and I wondered how I could live the hetero life and never kiss and hold a woman for the rest of my life. And even though I named her Hot Tamale, she's no "ho" - she's an great woman who loved me and opened my mind to who I really am. I hurt her when I left and I'll never feel good about that, but we have to make peace with the past at some time. To this day, Tamale and I are still friends.
Fast forward again. The promised family and kids never came. The boyfriend of more than 10 years never became my husband. And despite my desires to have a 3 some so I could get some lady action and my desires to have an affair with a woman, I really had devoted myself to him and what we planned for our future and I would have been happy. But since that didn't go down as planned, I through out the script and decided to join match.com and meet a few women. I wasn't scared or nervous. I had no reservations. I was excited and ready. My over eagerness made it hard for me to meet the right one quickly because I find that so many lezzy women are concerned that they will get played by bi or bicurious chicks just trying to have some sexual excitement. I'll admit, I thought I was bisexual - a monogamous bisexual - but bisexual nonetheless. And then I saw that Jay viewed my page. She was GORGEOUS, well-educated and looking for someone who would not play games with her heart. I wrote her a little slick one-liner and that reeled her right in! She was mine pretty quickly - and in turn, I was hers. We emailed for 2 days and the pages and pages of notes got to be too much so we decided to phone it up. We talked more than 10 hours a day for 5 days. We stayed up until 6am talking and we didn't want to get off the phone then. It was Labor Day weekend and I ordered her Christmas present (an iPod touch) without even meeting her in person because I knew with everything in me that she was the one.
We made plans to meet - and since she lives an hour or so from me, we figured she might as well spend the night. We were SO good. We were perfect ladies. We didn't let ourselves become engulfed by passion and lust. We talked and spent time together and maybe made out just enough to have a good time - but we had such a good time that we confirmed what the emails and phone calls had suggested - that this was for real.
And that's where our history began. Things have been growing in the months since then and we're so close now. We're bffs and llfs too (lezzy lovers forever). We figured out pretty quickly that taking it slow isn't in our power, so we're letting nature take it's course and going with what feels right.
This post doesn't include how family and friends took to my new lifestyle - and I'm an open book kinda gal, so believe me, when I feel so hard for Jay and I knew for sure that I am and will always be lezzy, I told everyone close to me. There were mixed reactions and a lot of them hurt, but heck, this is my life to live and my time to be loved. Future posts will cover how the world reacts to us - but for now...
Tell us how you knew. Tell us about the time that confirmed your suspisions. Tell us how you started your lezzy life. You can be long winded like me, or you can be brief. It's a blog. Readers can read as much as or as little as they like - what's important to Jay and me is that YOU have a place to share what you want, how you want. So if you want to write a poem, do it. Want to submit a pic, go ahead. Just post! Anonymous or under a false name - it's up to you :) I liked the name Ari, so I took it :)
Well, it may seem a bit weird and may leave others to question "How in the world is that possible"..But honestly I knew I liked women from very young. I mentioned first grade but I think it started prior to that. It's kind of hard to imagine but it is something you feel inside. I guess it could be similar to a woman or man who knows 100% they are attracted to the opposite sex. I can't say how they feel exactly but for me I felt it deeply.
ReplyDeleteI spent most of my childhood wanting to kiss a girl and wishing I could have a girlfriend but living in the generation I was in and with the family I had that was totally out of the question. Or should I say a topic that would never come to light. So I kept it inside. I went through elementary just fantasying in my mind having a girlfriend and then in Junior High still thinking about the same thing but at the same time dating boys. I figured, I could just live the "normal" life and just deal with it. I can NEVER say I had any issues at all meeting boys or getting them to date me or be my boyfriend. But I never felt complete. When I decided to have sex I looked at it as, "I just want to see what it is like". When I did I just knew it was nothing I was that interested in and could definitely wait until I get out of college to maybe do it again with a boy. During college I could say all that I did was kiss guys because for one I had to live in a different world outside of who I really am. And I for sure didn't want to even imagine getting pregnant. So during college when I went to parties and saw other women, I so wanted to just approach them but I kept reverting back to the, "This isn't right and is not acceptable and I must live an acceptable life". So again I continued to live in the "normal" heterosexual life and planned for a future filled with marriage and children. When I came out of college I figured, ok, I have my BA and a fabulous job and I can start dating. So again I dated men and then met a man who I figured he would be great for me and we could get married have kids etc. So we dated for 2 1/2 years got engaged during that time and then as usual I didn't feel in love with him. I cared about him but didn't feel that love that I thought I would feel if I was going to marry this man. And I could say he was feeling the same, some stemmed from me not being fully into the sexual side of the relationship and the other he felt he wasn't on my level. Deep down I felt a sigh of relief because unknown to him I planned to just get married (the wedding would have been FABULOUS) have a child then get divorced. But luckily we broke up before saying "I do".
When that relationship ended I decided to give woman a try. I when I say try I was ready to live the undercover life. I met a woman and we started as friends and moved towards a weird type of relationship. We would never say we were "together" but we were on certain levels. I didn't have a problem with having a relationship of this sort because we both had families that just wouldn't approve. So we dated (or whatever you want to call it)for about 6 yrs and of course during that time you tend to want more from a person. But I saw that as never going to happen. This will get explained in other topics. But I could say it was for the best.
Moving on I took it upon myself to just go out and get into the lesbian scene and try to just meet other women. From this I met some amazing women who I could say I related to on professional levels.
So this leads me to where I am now. I've met a beautiful woman who I have so much in common and just love to be around because we have similar interests and some of the say outlooks on life. I can't say we are on the same page 100% of the time but we find ways to compromise and just agree to disagree.
I've always known a woman was out there for me but never imagined it would happen in my lifetime but it has and it feels refreshing to be on a journey like this!
I knew for sure in high school. What was so strange for me is I got along with boys better than girls so I was convinced I was straight for a long time. It was also always assumed that I was straight and my mother and I would have talks about the future husband and things like that. The other thing that threw me off for along time was I wasn't attracted to the girls in my high school but that changed. I remember sitting with a boy at a high school drama production and I really liked him. In my mind he fit the picture of what was suppose to be normal hetero relationship. We shared similar interests and so I pushed myself to like him and then after awhile I did. But on stage a very curvy beautiful girl wearing a black dress appeared on stage. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Here I was sitting with the boy that I had everyone and myself convinced I liked but suddenly I couldn't deny that this girl had my attention on a even stronger level . I didn't act on it never even met her. It wasn't until college that I officially acted on my feelings for a woman. I struggled and even dated men on the side to keep people from knowing the truth. The truth that took me years to admit to myself, that I was a lesbian. After that relationship ended I felt horrible that I had kept it a secret and regretted not experiencing love to the fullest and being out and proud. It was then that I vowed never to be closeted again for me it deeply affected how I could treat the relationship even when no one was around. I was always nervous about being found out so I could never relax. After a devastating break up I got up the courage to come out to each person in my family. Most were fine with it and knew already but I remember telling my grandfather and his face turned beat red. He wasn't angry it was just that difficult for him. My attitude became "Like or not this is me and I deserve to live my life openly." There is a great quote I would love to share:
ReplyDelete"It means that being who I really am is not forbidden or muted just because others are uncomfortable or don't want to hear it" ~Mark Nepo
My thing is I don't care what your reaction is to my lifestyle because if I get to live my truth I feel good.
Jade thanks for sharing. Coming out to family is difficult but it is the best feeling when you get that, "Is that all?" or "Why would you think I would have a problem with that?".
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