I knew when I was 5 and I thought all the girls in my kindergarten class were cute and the boys were icky. I didn't think they were cute like, "look at that cute little girl," I wondered what it would be like to kiss them on the lips and laugh. The boys were always stealing kisses from the girls in class, so why couldn't I steal a kiss from one of the girls too?
But I knew for sure when I got to junior high school and all the girls were BLOOMING. It was fun to go to school everyday and see how cute all the girls were getting - and their boobs and booties were just growing. At the time, I didn't think it meant I was gay, I just thought it meant I liked looking at girls and comparing them - not to myself, but to each other. I'd rate them in my head and I had my favorites to check on every now and then. So I had my boyfriends and we kissed and made out but it never "wet my panties" or made me want to get busy. It was just fun and something to do. It's what everyone else was doing.
Fast forward to my twenties. I'm living in LA and this Hot Tamale starts pursuing me. I didn't know what to do at all. She was a good friend and I spoiled her rotten with dinners, gifts, complements and outings. To me, it was just being a "good friend" to someone who made my heart race. I wanted to ignore it. I had a boyfriend - of many years - and I was convinced he and I would get married and live happily ever after. At the same time, I had a good friend who was coming out and I was her wing-woman at all the lezzy clubs and bars and we went O U T all the time. The more I hung out with my lezzy friend in the lezzy world, the more my Hot Tamale appealed to me. I wanted to take things to the next level with Hot Tamale. I won't get into what all went down, but suffice it to say, when I left LA at the behest of my boyfriend, I left with a heavy heart and I wondered how I could live the hetero life and never kiss and hold a woman for the rest of my life. And even though I named her Hot Tamale, she's no "ho" - she's an great woman who loved me and opened my mind to who I really am. I hurt her when I left and I'll never feel good about that, but we have to make peace with the past at some time. To this day, Tamale and I are still friends.
Fast forward again. The promised family and kids never came. The boyfriend of more than 10 years never became my husband. And despite my desires to have a 3 some so I could get some lady action and my desires to have an affair with a woman, I really had devoted myself to him and what we planned for our future and I would have been happy. But since that didn't go down as planned, I through out the script and decided to join match.com and meet a few women. I wasn't scared or nervous. I had no reservations. I was excited and ready. My over eagerness made it hard for me to meet the right one quickly because I find that so many lezzy women are concerned that they will get played by bi or bicurious chicks just trying to have some sexual excitement. I'll admit, I thought I was bisexual - a monogamous bisexual - but bisexual nonetheless. And then I saw that Jay viewed my page. She was GORGEOUS, well-educated and looking for someone who would not play games with her heart. I wrote her a little slick one-liner and that reeled her right in! She was mine pretty quickly - and in turn, I was hers. We emailed for 2 days and the pages and pages of notes got to be too much so we decided to phone it up. We talked more than 10 hours a day for 5 days. We stayed up until 6am talking and we didn't want to get off the phone then. It was Labor Day weekend and I ordered her Christmas present (an iPod touch) without even meeting her in person because I knew with everything in me that she was the one.
We made plans to meet - and since she lives an hour or so from me, we figured she might as well spend the night. We were SO good. We were perfect ladies. We didn't let ourselves become engulfed by passion and lust. We talked and spent time together and maybe made out just enough to have a good time - but we had such a good time that we confirmed what the emails and phone calls had suggested - that this was for real.
And that's where our history began. Things have been growing in the months since then and we're so close now. We're bffs and llfs too (lezzy lovers forever). We figured out pretty quickly that taking it slow isn't in our power, so we're letting nature take it's course and going with what feels right.
This post doesn't include how family and friends took to my new lifestyle - and I'm an open book kinda gal, so believe me, when I feel so hard for Jay and I knew for sure that I am and will always be lezzy, I told everyone close to me. There were mixed reactions and a lot of them hurt, but heck, this is my life to live and my time to be loved. Future posts will cover how the world reacts to us - but for now...
Tell us how you knew. Tell us about the time that confirmed your suspisions. Tell us how you started your lezzy life. You can be long winded like me, or you can be brief. It's a blog. Readers can read as much as or as little as they like - what's important to Jay and me is that YOU have a place to share what you want, how you want. So if you want to write a poem, do it. Want to submit a pic, go ahead. Just post! Anonymous or under a false name - it's up to you :) I liked the name Ari, so I took it :)