Saturday, January 29, 2011

Loving My "Me" - Tell Us About Loving You

i've been going thru some serious changes lately and i've been thinking so much about who i am and who i want to be.  right now, i am in this transition stage of cutting out calling myself "bi" and being ok with saying i'm full-on lezzy and being cool with that.  i've accepted it.  I AM A LESBIAN.  but here's the thing, it's hard not to feel something when i refer to myself as lezzy and people say, "WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BI?" it's such a huge deal to most of the people close to me for me to redefine my identity. 

YES, most of my open relationships were with men and those relationships lasted a long time.  that's why i thought i was "bi" in the first place.  i thought if i said i was lezzy outright, it would somehow deny or downplay those relationships.  but here's the thing - people evolve, so it should be ok to reclassify yourself whenever YOU want to, no?  well, i'm lezzy now! 

i love saying it.  i love being it.  i love wearing my rainbows and i feel like i'm in this very special, very exclusive club that i've always wanted to be in.  whenever i met open lesbians in the past, i thought - "Wow, she's a lesbian," like i was meeting royalty or something.

well, i'm still going through some other things and yeah, i'm in the middle (hopefully at the end) of a very rough patch, but at least this one huge chunk of my life is set.  and it's a very important part of my life at that.  i think identifying, living IN and loving my sexuality is a huge step toward my healing right now.  i'm happy with that for now - because it gives me a natural endorphin high, that high that can't be replicated or imitated.  and my smile is so big.  i thank my jay for helping me with that.

now, tell me how you love your you - or tell me what's in the way of you falling in love with yourself...


  1. I can say that I like "me", but I can't yet say that I "love" myself. I can't let go of my sins of the past. I can't forgive myself for some of the terrible things I've done and said to people who've considered me their friend or to my loved ones...It's a very slowwwwwwwww process.

  2. Patrice, kudos for such a courageous post. my biggest demon, the one that keeps me from loving ALL of me, is that i have been living in the past for 20 years. it has done nothing but bring me pain, pain and more pain. my biggest goal is to learn to right my wrongs, live with the ones i cannot, forgive those that have wronged me and live in the true gift that is THE PRESENT! it seems so easy as i type it - but it is not cut and dry, but i think if WE can try it, some of your demons and mine will be put to rest for good. much love and thanks for posting!

  3. Thanks for discussing this babe. Well, I mentioned in an early post that I am lesbian and have known it basically all my life. But you know I've been at the point for many years where I am not anything but ME! I am so tired of labels and it sucks because that is what our society has come to. Then once we get the label we have to, in some cases, justify the label. For example,some people may say, "I am black...but I am mixed with x,y,z". My thing is why do we even have to get to that point where we even need to have a label. I like women yes but I am not one to run around with the rainbow flags because it just isn't my thing. But that doesn't make me more or less happy with who I am. For instance I come from a South American/Caribbean background but living in the US, in some cases, if I was to even mention that it would seem to turn off some people or make them feel as if I am showing off or something. And that isn't it at all..I am just proud of where my family is from and my heritage. I guess in the end I am a bit tired of all the labels, because if you didn't know much about me you can't judge me which is something I don't like to do. But once some find out any little bit about you it sometimes tends be used against you in a negative way insteading of embracing your differences. And when that happens you can see clearly a person's true colors. If I am in a conversation with someone and lets say we are talking about the weekend and what I did, I am going to be truthful and just be normal. At that point if the person didn't know they would know that I am with a woman. But to me it is conversation that doesn't require me to go deep into the discussion on the details of my relationship.
    But all in all I love "Me" and that is the only label I need!
    Patrice, you're right it is a slow process and you have every right to take as much time as you need for you. As long as you are aware, that will help you on your journey to forgiveness. Everyone has done things or has a past that isn't the greatest but things happen and we have to learn from it and learn to live, change what may need to be changed and live on. Whatever methods you choose to use on your journey that is your choice. Take your time and just live! Ari, babe, you are on that road. I am glad you stopped running and are ready to face everything head on. It will be difficult and will not happen overnight but it will happen because you are ready to heal. You've identified and come to grips with things that need to be healed and you're ready to take the journey to healing. But in the end you are doing this for you and the focus is on you and yourself. And yes it is your journey to take but you have me as well as family and other friends who will always be there to help your along the way if you need it!

  4. I agree with Jay I am just me i dont see why there has to be lables

  5. I'm so much "into labels" but i don't mind them IF they fit. for me, lesbian and femme are fitting words so they don't bother me. i'm proud of them as adjectives to describe myself. BUT, i understand that sometimes labels can be more limiting or harmful or limiting than they can be helpful.